Abba Hineni, Hineni. This road has been long, many tears have poured out and still flow with the song of my soul. Abba, I have scraped my knee and there are bruises unseen. I think Abba maybe even some internal bleeding. But this you know and see. Abba when the world is no longer with me and alone I am before thee. Words do not even begin to convey the feelings that wash through me when no one is looking. Like a child in need of her daddy, I long to cling to you. So far yet so near. Sometimes I feel your arms holding me. I reach, my hand extends. But then I remember to be still because right now, right here, you are present. Abba todah, for all you have done and are doing. Abba this time has been so confusing. Abba sometimes it's so lonely. I long for you in these transitions and changes, all the things that were a comfort to me no longer hold me. Exhaustion has been my cloak, but I know this process is one of being born. What is my foundation? and what have I been standing on? when all is removed, when all is gone what remains? Abba? Your truth and your promises, they never change. But often things are wrapped and covered and a surface life lived. I don't want any part in appearances, nor holier than thou sayings. I am longing for you in my smallest routines. You have broken me open and are cleaning my infected wound. You have broken me open and now I can see who I am and who you have made me to be. Abba, you have been gentle with me as I knew you would. Abba, there are so many things hoped for and so many dreams I longed for. Now with my backpack full of them, I wander. What do we do Abba when things are broken and and the answer to faith unseen? I don't have the answers and in places secret, my heart is broken. And truly only time is healing it. So I have decided to write this letter and share it with the world. Because I am not the only lonely and broken hearted sista out there, I know I am not alone.
You are teaching me, you are teaching me slowly. And the things you are using are things I would have never expected. My challenges have given me compassion for where we are all at. Sometimes we are so sure of ourselves, Abba I am concerned at that. I am learning to walk gently and to give open space. I am learning to show up and be present in this very day. Sometimes restlessness comes and starts a fight! But I just respond, " I am not doing nothing, I am learning to wait on The Most High!" And so Abba I write this letter to you. Of course, I know you hear me. I don't want to be the same as yesterday, I want to be walking everyday with thee.
I love you Abba, you have been my love since my youth, Hineni in my womanhood.
ANI LEDODI VEDODI LI
" Azru Li "
Hineni=Here I am
Ani LeDodi VeDodi Li=I am My Beloved's and My Beloved is Mine
Azru Li=Help me