Yesterday a super cool girlfriend and I were talking about our journey's and this particular season and the one to come Pesach. This year unlike all my years has been quite difficult full of personal growth or lack of sometimes. As we talked about the fact that Pesach is around the corner she said something I thought was beautiful, " Pesach is a time I can start again, it is the time of my personal freedom". Sage words I say. It made me think about where I am at and what HaShem desires of me. Personally I am exhausted of trying to reach, be , run toward etc. a better version of myself. Not that change shouldn't occur but we almost seem obsessed about it. We are obsessed with altering ourselves to meet a picture of what we think is being not of this world or set apart for him. But the thing that has constantly struck me these past couple of months as I have struggled personally. Is that HE wants ME. Not ME being YOU or ANOTHER but me. After Pesach comes unleavened bread then Shavuot. One of the beautiful things Torah has taught me is about myself. Arriving at my Pesach table ME present. Not some wanna be but ME. I can't help but to measure that against all the ideas out there and of the striving people do including myself to look like something other than yourself.
I am sure there is some theological idea behind all this shedding of oneself and etc. I grew up in church with the heavy idea of dying to oneself. And don't get me wrong there is alot of needful letting go. But is it not the talents he gave YOU that he wants to use? If you are devoid of being a SELF than how can he USE YOU to bring him glory if you are not you? There has to be a balance!!!! YOU are to bring YOU to the table. We are all unique from our style of dress to our hair and etc. We are beautiful because he created us to be individuals. This Pesach I want to come to the table as ME offering what he has given me for his use. I come as myself and no other and when I clean the leaven out of my "HOUSE" I am cleaning out anything that is not who he created me to be! Sometimes this stuff just pisses me off. Yes, I said pissed off!!! LOL There seems to be no space to breath or learn and grow. We need the space to relate and connect with HaShem from ourselves. There is no sense for me to do as you if it's not me. Did I lose you?
These are my own personal moments of clarity. There has been so much of everyone else's ideas in my life that I think I have had enough. What I long for is that freedom Pesach gives to worship HIM from where I am at. To worship him from ME. To serve him with all of me. I don't want a hypocritical walk. I want a strong personal connection that is between him and I. It's funny that even as adults we can be wanna beez!! That we can live each day setting up standards and images and dragging as many people as we can with us. Now don't misunderstand what I am saying. I am not talking of a world devoid of rules or standards. But I am talking about the freedom to walk with HaShem for oneself. I am talking about the fact that we will fall and make mistakes. It's part of the journey. I am talking about the fact that you and I will never arrive. This is the journey, complex full of surprises. And that is okay. I look around in the circles I have seen, Messianic, homeschooling, church you name it. Full of clicks or people wanting to BE. It's every where!!! I am amazed at the striving. I was once asked whether or not I did things to please the King, because that is why they did it. When I think of that comment I can't help to have a bunch of sarcastic thoughts!!! LOL But really lets us think about why we do it. Is it really what pleases him or what you think would?
"I have a dream........" says the mom who is tries to gather her little brood for morning devotions. Where we all sing around the table in hebrew, japanese and some other unknown language. lol No don't get me wrong although I think it is hilarious we are like this. Who makes the wholest wheat bread and does everything from scratch. Who's apron is handmade. Blah, blah , blah. These things are not wrong. Do them if you genuinely like them and want to. But to be honest it is okay to buy bread from the store. Okay maybe that is too far and you want to think about the nutritional value!!! LOL But I do sometimes. But let's not act like our personal preferences are gospel or law. It's funny because when I first started covering my head, I swore Techiel's were the way it's done. I mean some wear hats and etc. But those are short cuts, not coverings. LOL Of course I had an image in my head. And not that they are wrong, because we see ourselves growing to a place. But after doing a little growing and getting my head out .... anyway you get the picture. I realized that for me I love techiel's but sometimes it's easier to toss on a hat. And so I do. Yes, Yes gasp for air!!! But my head is covered!!! It's amazing we take such pride in the fact that THIS IS WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO HONOR THE KING. LECH LECHA, GO FOR YOURSELF... I wear hats and techiel's and you wear techiel's . I say tomatoe you say tomato. Whooopti doo!! LOL Let's be ourselves, who are growing everyday. And know that there are other crazy people as yourself, but you are one. And he knows YOU by name. And all those little quirks you have are the YOU HE CREATED. And that YOU is to serve HIM. All your experiences, your successes as well as your failures are part of you. I think I have seen too much snubbery and even to my own dismay been part of those that set these images and make these boxes. What defines you? Does the fact that you keep to one calender and I to another make one or the other holier? Or how about whether you keep Kosher (as in separation of milk and dairy) and that other family abstains from pork and sea food? Or you wear skirts and I wear pants? Or you have family devotions and the other family has them individually? What makes you who you are? And what makes you set apart for him? What makes YOUR FAMILY UNIQUE? Serve him from that place.
Soooo..... when you come to the feast this year think, ponder and leave behind the things that shackle you because that shoe doesn't fit cause it ain't YOU. Bring your worship to him, connect with your KING from your heart. I am stripped this year, although I would love nothing more than to bring before him a perfectly clean home with all the trimmings!!! I am talking about Pesach. All I have the strength to bring is myself and my worship from this place. Sometimes that looks like a song, sometimes it looks like pages full of my heart. It has no specific shape because I am not there. Will It ever look like it used to? Not likely. We must grow and allow for change. And we must pray that most of all it would be AUTHENTIC growth. On this Pesach we can start fresh, we can begin with being ourselves and serving him from that place.
It's often hard to post stuff like this. I want to communicate my heart but sometimes it's easier to talk then write. I know to a degree this sounds like a ME thing, but that is not what I am trying to communicate. I just desire for you to put your load down and ask why are carrying it? Who are YOU? Is it singing that makes your heart skip a beat??? Then sing to Him. Is your family an interesting mix of things, then bring that to him. Stop trying to be anything else and be yourself because that is who he wants.
I love you, He loves you. He loves me in all my craziness. But he has loved me enough to show me the value of who he made me to be. It has been painful and humbling and he is not done. No. There is more. But I have hope, confident expectation that when I have come out of this season I will be stronger in him. And will be able to truly give him myself because I know who that is.
Grace and Space to you beloved, Grace and Space