Motherhood.....long sorry!!!

I just finished watching the movie Motherhood with Uma Thurman. I have to say I liked it. It's setting is in New York City and she is the proud mother of two children. In the movie she runs around like a chicken without a head, it's definitely true to life. A mother's days are definitely full.
As I watched it I couldn't help but to think about this world and generation we live in. Not everyone lives in the country. I am often amazed at the stages I myself have gone through. When I was younger, well not so long ago. Okay maybe 10 years. Happy. I wanted to give my children a image I had of what a mother ought to be. And what a home ought to look like. I mean pull out all the stops!!! Aprons and long flowing skirts. Home baked things and a devoted mother who spoke in gentle tones.
As a home schooler there were not any shortage of books to encourage a momma to be the trail blazer of generations to come. May HaShem bless them. I mean I want you to understand I am a Puertorican from a family of 8. We weren't crazy nor scandalous, okay there were crazy issues but that is another post. But with 6 kids from baby to 6 it wasn't quite.


I laugh just thinking about it. Let's just say I don't speak lowly or softly. I am a New Yorker and I speak quick and with my hands. I am passionate!!! LOL
Back to the story! I have spent a lot of time trying to fit a mold I thought would give my kids a better life. A family. Something I lost at a young age. For a long time I tried to change both my heritage and my husband. We are both New Yorkers! Ay ya yay!! Imagine. We both talk with our hands!!! LOL
Anyhoo, I tried to do it all and I mean all. Cross the t's dot the I's. Until burn out, life events and changes brought everything tumbling down. I burned out! In every area, every. It has been painful and difficult. But some things have changed. Actually many. I still value family and motherhood, but I am more interested in giving my children a person. Not and ideal.

The great educator Charlotte Mason comes to mind. She believed that children were people too. And deserved to be treated as such. She also believed that if momma's didn't have some of her own reading and interest going she would have no where to draw from to give her children. I agree. You see my husband and I are unique and so are our children. We are a family!!
We are a mix of craziness that brings me to happy tears. I couldn't believe that I had spent so much time trying to be so many things whether it fit or not is irrelevant I was aiming at an ideal. If all that has happened wouldn't have I would have missed it. The moments. The everyday moments I have with the 3 great people I live with.

 
I mean what makes a home to me is somewhere you can be yourself and be loved and belong. Where those in the house know you best and embrace you. That sings beauty to me. Here when you walk into our home you can feel free to be yourself. To be honest because we are. And when we talk about the king and his kingdom it comes from where were at and we can share how we have seen him work in our lives.

There is this homeschooling momma Cindy Rushton who with her bright southern accent talks about jean jumper momma's. She say's she looks like a cow in them. She couldn't bare it. LOL I understand now what she means. Back then I would take offense because to me little house in the prairie is what I thought it should look like. Cindy's bold honesty is refreshing among the homeschooling circles which can be crazy. But the essence of her ministering to mom's is about being a healthy mom, a balanced mom, a person and a daughter of the king.

(Okay I am going to pause to tell you that I was looking over pictures the other day. OMGoodness!!! All I could say is what the hell was I thinking. I mean if I could go back I would smack myself! No, really!!! I mean modesty is one thing. I am a chunky girl some things just don't look right. Now this is not one of those cases, oh that was the 80's. No, it was I had a pentecostal up bringing and I haven't recovered. I think someone should start a group for that. If I black and white some of my pics you would think we were in the....twilight zone that's what. Okay I am done with my rant.)


I now understand what Cindy was trying to say. Ahh, one can be so cocky when it comes to ideals!!
We must give our family a person, an individual and equally teach them to be one themselves. I think values and convictions stick better when you own them. Kids know a fake when they see it. They also know how to imitate what they see. When you hear your kids proudly say they are home schooled and there little noses are up in the air. Watch out!!!! Pride goes before the fall. They don't even understand the complexities in life, let alone the differing circumstances in others lives. While one thing flows from another we must be mindful. We momma's stake a lot on all the trimmings sometimes. When what we are is burnt out and exhausted.

Life is different in my house. Not perfect. We watch TV. We own 2 Xboxes one is my sons and one is my husbands. Sorry, I refuse to beat or brow beat my husband into submission!!! If you knew my husband you'd be cracking up right now!! We have computers and several blogs. And a house full of delicious books. I have a whole bookshelf on womanly submission and child training!! YAY!! ;(
Yes, there is soda in my house and my husband buys what we call snackies. We listen to hip hop, reggae, jazz, rap(my hubby likes the beat) salsa, meringue. Come on I am a boriqua. We have Paul Wilbur and Matisyahu. We have Mary J. Blige and Celine Dion. We love all kinds of music!!

This is my imperfect home. And occasionally we say not nice words. We are growing and changing. Does it make mistakes or sin right of course not. Baruch HaShem for forgiveness and new days. Where would we be?

Ma, is a person with quirks that has difficult times and needs G-D desperately. Daddy struggles in his relating to G-D but also shares all  his conversations that he has with G-D. Daddy doesn't observe Torah per se, but sits a the head of the pesach table and believes HaShem's word is true. We are people and so are our children. No one is a robot. And no one is a constant failure!!!


Imperfect people in need of an awesome G-D!! HalleluYah!! Now in our home we no longer feel that incredible weight that we are always missing it! But we embrace what Paul said, I'd rather boast in my infirmities that Yeshua be lifted up!! my paraphrase. Are we completely free from those standards. Not entirely as I shared in my other post. But we are not where we used to be. As a momma my heart has been that my children would love HaShem all the days of their lives. That while here they would feel loved and cherished. That they belong both to a family and are children of the King.

Many speak of the power of being a mother to influence. I shudder at the thought of the years I have spent injecting the idea that we were never enough. That HaShem's grace wasn't enough. Lifting up ideals higher than the beautiful individuality that he has given families.

I believe that G-D knows what he is doing and what he has done. If your gift is to serve, than serve. If your gift is to bake, then bake. If your gift is to paint, then paint. But please for the sake of all in your home be, you mommy!!!

One of the things that help me get pieces of myself back was mixed media arts and visual jourrnaling. It moved from the page to my heart. It ministered to me. It feed me as a person. To create as my creator, blessed me. That journey has spiraled into many other things. And through it Abba has opened me up. I am still learning and growing but I am more "a person". It's funny when you are off the hook everyone around you can relax. The power of a mother. There is Grace and Space.

I have freakin issue's if you can't tell by now. But I am just a sista sharing truth, my truth. It may not be your story. But it is mine. And I know enough momma's that suffer from the same syndrome and someone needs to expose it for what it is.

Just wanted to share my thoughts....



Grace and Space to you
Xoxoxo
Shalom
Angelique
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