I just finished typing a whole paragraph just to erase it. Yea laugh with me. I am learning to write as I speak!!! Anyone that knows me is having a laugh. Fine laugh!! I want to write about a proud time for me as a person growing into herself. In the past not so far past I have had a habit of investing a lot in my relationships with family and friends. I am not clingy type of person, I am just an all in person. I am the oldest of eight so I am always responsible for everything ;) If you know what I mean. But these last few years I been undergoing possibly the most challenging changes in my life. I have been growing up. I have been asking questions, the tough ones. I have been raw and real. I have relinquished expectations and embraced what is. It has been scary, when you are stretching and growing you feel awkward and weird. Nothing fits and nothing seems right. You turn to cling to maybe old thought patterns, old habits etc. But you can't go back, nothing fits. That is how I have felt, often bewildered and confused. And at times very hopeless and disappointed.
These past couple of weeks I saw for the first time in a while hope. And sandwiched with it an experience of breakthrough. This experience taught me that I am no longer attached to the things I can't control. For the first time in my life I wasn't responsible for others and or needed to fix anything. Ultimately, I am responsible for myself and in some degree my kiddos but that's it. No more trying to make it better. No more putting emotional energy into dead ends so to speak. No more investing into the pain of the past. NO MORE! It felt great when I realized I could let go. I could accept what was and let it be, because it was not me. If you have ever struggled like that you know what I mean. It's crazy, you can carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and almost die in the process. In this I realized that all I could do was take it to Him who can. I can not. I was proud of myself, I had respect for myself and my limitations. That felt great. I have no need to appear as a hero to anyone. My hero is G-d, he amazes me because he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and doesn't flinch.
I was free from false responsibility. And the most amazing discovery this week was CHOICE. How much we have. And much of what we chose is our choice. I have made a choice to BE. I have made a choice to release and I have chosen to be free. I have been renewed in this and no more dead end investments. These lessons have come at the price of burnout and being stripped. I wouldn't change it for the world. And do you know that when you cut off the dead heads there is more energy and space for new growth. And you know what it's going to be okay. It's scary and sometimes unsure, but that is alright. This was a mild stone for me in growth. I have evaluated so many areas and relationships in my life. And I can see what is dead for lack of a better word, I can see what is not healthy. I can let go without fear. When you let go of bad relating there is only space for the sweet stuff. And I am ready and open to embrace the treasures, both in things new and old. It's a sweet place to be, to be anywhere at all for that matter.
And so I wish for all like me who have carried a heavy load for a long time, one that did not belong. I wish you freedom, I wish you the understanding of the power of choice. And most of all I wish Grace and Space, because you need to give it to yourself. HE already has.
With deep love