Wednesday, September 30, 2009
My 1st. Artist date- Part 2
So still waiting for my sil, I decided let me try to journal maybe that will settle my mind. But no not even my words sooth me. I am still in a terrible state and feel very uncomfortable. You must realize that I have never really spent time by myself. Why? well I could think of a thousand reasons but the truth is I have spent alot of my life afraid. Now if you knew me you wouldn't believe it. But my fears have been what will THEY think, What will , blah, blah and blah!!!! But I think that secretly I have hid behind this so as not to take a chance, no chance=no failing. Do you get where I am going with this?
Ahh, the rescue. My sil finally get's there and we start walking around the pond or baby lake.LOL We talk and I let it all out!!! I mean all out. Yes, I am afraid, Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, Yes, Yes. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ALONE!!!!! I mean I went from my mother's house to a marriage and had a child at 16 or 17 whatever, divorced,then remarried and had another child at 21 and here I am. I have never been alone. I mean not even mommy time!!! Nope not me, "I am heroic" and "I don't need mommy time"!!! 16 yrs. of I don't need mommy time=BURN OUT. Now don't misunderstand. I have no desire to be "single" no I love my baby and that's the man I want to spend the rest of my life discovering and driving crazy. But I must admit whatever philosophy I had stuck in my head did not make me a healthier person. I am at a place where I am burnt-out spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. I mean dry, dry, dry. And I am not proud of it. As someone who loves to encourage and bless others. I love teaching and My home and family are my #1. But what do you do when you are burnt-out and have nothing to give from? You let go and let G-d take you on the journey and be a student of life. So here I am one thing led to another and I found The Artist Way by Julia Cameron and am learning. Learning that I must nurture my soul and in order to have some place to give from you must fill up. I am learning to respect myself first!!! So then I can't respect others. I am learning to set aside time to fill my cup in so many ways that it's both frightening and exhilarating.
So here is a picture of me. I am one of those people who are through and through. So when I am upset you know it, when I am frustrated you know it. I can't hide those things!! It was especially weird taking a picture of myself. It was as if i was forcing myself to look at myself. Weird!!!!LOL
The path I was walking was one of a student. And Abba I am willing to learn and will listen!! I am excited about my next Artist Date because I am going to spend time filling myself. And taking it all in. I am not AFRAID ANYMORE! I can be brave.