Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My 1st. Artist date- Part 2

So still waiting for my sil, I decided let me try to journal maybe that will settle my mind. But no not even my words sooth me. I am still in a terrible state and feel very uncomfortable. You must realize that I have never really spent time by myself. Why? well I could think of a thousand reasons but the truth is I have spent alot of my life afraid. Now if you knew me you wouldn't believe it. But my fears have been what will THEY think, What will , blah, blah and blah!!!! But I think that secretly I have hid behind this so as not to take a chance, no chance=no failing. Do you get where I am going with this?

Ahh, the rescue. My sil finally get's there and we start walking around the pond or baby lake.LOL We talk and I let it all out!!! I mean all out. Yes, I am afraid, Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, Yes, Yes. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ALONE!!!!! I mean I went from my mother's house to a marriage and had a child at 16 or 17 whatever, divorced,then remarried and had another child at 21 and here I am. I have never been alone. I mean not even mommy time!!! Nope not me, "I am heroic" and "I don't need mommy time"!!! 16 yrs. of I don't need mommy time=BURN OUT. Now don't misunderstand. I have no desire to be "single" no I love my baby and that's the man I want to spend the rest of my life discovering and driving crazy. But I must admit whatever philosophy I had stuck in my head did not make me a healthier person. I am at a place where I am burnt-out spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. I mean dry, dry, dry. And I am not proud of it. As someone who loves to encourage and bless others. I love teaching and My home and family are my #1. But what do you do when you are burnt-out and have nothing to give from? You let go and let G-d take you on the journey and be a student of life. So here I am one thing led to another and I found The Artist Way by Julia Cameron and am learning. Learning that I must nurture my soul and in order to have some place to give from you must fill up. I am learning to respect myself first!!! So then I can't respect others. I am learning to set aside time to fill my cup in so many ways that it's both frightening and exhilarating.

So here is a picture of me. I am one of those people who are through and through. So when I am upset you know it, when I am frustrated you know it. I can't hide those things!! It was especially weird taking a picture of myself. It was as if i was forcing myself to look at myself. Weird!!!!LOL

The path I was walking was one of a student. And Abba I am willing to learn and will listen!! I am excited about my next Artist Date because I am going to spend time filling myself. And taking it all in. I am not AFRAID ANYMORE! I can be brave.


  1. Yay for being brave. Yay for admitting you are burnt out. Yay for trying to find creative fulfillment. It's all within you....I can see you are peeling back the layers and I believe you will soon remember who you are. I love this saying, "It's never too late to be who you were meant to be".

  2. Angelique, thank you so much for sharing your most inner thoughts. You may feel burnt out but you are one brace lady. I have not read the book you reference and now you have me very curious. I may have to go in search of the book. Please hang in there because your artistic nature is getting ready to bloom full force!


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